The "What" Contract?

For a single project there can be up to 200 different contracts. Everything ranging from "Authors Agreements" to "Collection Agency Agreements" to "Production Services Agreements"...which really makes me wonder why my "Assistant Liability Insurance Contract" fell by the wayside. I digress. One would think that after thirty years in the business, Ms. Wilkes would have the names of her contracts down pat.

One. Would. Think.

Here is a brief list of contracts comparing the proper name of the contract to the "Wilkes" name for the contract when I'm asked to retrieve it.

*Note: This was the exact list and order shouted to me from her office this morning. These Wilkesisms are subject to change on a daily basis.

Proper
Actors Deal Memo
Option Agreement
Production Services Agreement
Loan Agreement
Interparty Agreement

Wilkesism
The Artist Engagement Thingie
The Company Payment Papers
The Exhibit "A" 20 Pager
The Money Borrow Papers
The Producers Humdinger

Sometimes I feel (and this could just be the complimentary sugar free red bull that I was given yesterday on the street talking) that she gets some sort of twisted enjoyment out of seeing me dig through binders and binders of materials as if only to metastasize into something erotic for her. So I scan through mountains of paperwork for key words such as "Engagement" or "Exhibit A". Do you know how many contracts have an Exhibit A? The important ones. Of course, my first "guess" turned out to be wrong. God, I had to have put in at least twenty minutes for that guess. Luckily, today I got away with a, "That's the wrong damn thing." Happy to report that my second guess did the trick.

*It is important that a creative assistant understand that no matter how much they may think that someday they will reach a point of shared Nirvana with their producer, it will never, ever...ever happen. Roll with the punches and keep your ideas about a raise to your goddamn self. Salary will be the topic of conversation on Monday. As for this exhausted blogger, he intends to enjoy the next two days of freedom before returning the stockades.