Introducing Ms. Wilkes

In 1990 Rob Reiner introduced the character of Annie Wilkes (if we really want to be fair to all involved we should give sole credit for conceptualizing Annie to the great Stephen King) to movie going audiences. Her crazed, psychotic, schizophrenic personality stands out as one of the most horrific portrayals of a female villain to date. I think my favorite scene (as well as the one that gave me most nightmares as a kid) is when Annie has Paul Sheldon (James Caan's character) tied to the bed, places a wooden board between his legs and proceeds to fracture both feet with a sledgehammer. It is for this reason (and in complete sentimentality) that for the entirety of this blog I will refer to MY producer as, Ms. Wilkes.

When I agreed to take on the job as Ms. Wilkes' assistant, I wasn't told much about the way she did business. In fact, her veteran assistant and the fellow twenty something that trained me for the position spoke of her sparingly. Sure, it should have sent up a bit of a red flag to me when I saw him walk into her office and get reprimanded for not centering the level of the blinds properly to the window frame, but at the time I thought nothing of it. I was simply glad to have the "foot in the door" that I had been waiting over two years for.

"Old School" doesn't even begin to adequately describe Ms. Wilkes’ demanding, assertive, hardnosed, anal, la di da personality. In fact, the proper word for this would be (mind you this is my official trademark, so no plagiarizing), Gastapoesque. This is due to the fact that if Hitler were to have chosen a career path in the movie business, he would win the award for "most listed" on Ms. Wilke's drinks calendar. You'll get to know Ms. Wilkes here. You may come to despise her. You may come to (if you're the submissive type) develop one of those bizarre attractions for her because of her authoritative, controlling way of getting things done. Whatever light you happen to view her in remember, I’m the one that has to live with her. So please. Show a little compassion and understanding...I'm serious.

If Ms. Wilkes were to have a Facebook profile, it would read a bit like this:

Relationship Status: Married to Gordon Gecko
Political Views: La Cienega
Religious Views: Mount Durmitor
Activities: Being a Producer! What else?
Interests: Hiking, camping, anything outdoors, traveling, vacationing, sailing, socializing.
Favorite Music: Anything classical (although I do have a Gnarls Barkley ringtone).
Favorite Movies: Mine...oh, and that one starring Angelica Houston where she plays a neglectful mother.
Favorite Books: As long as it's on my Kindle, it's fine by me.
Favorite Quotations: "Life is like a game of poker: If you don't put any in the pot, there won't be any to take out."

Ms. Wilke's has five distinctive levels of anger (told you I’d get to this eventually).

Level 1: Quiet scuffing, talking under the breath, silent angered gazes. These are mainly caused by minor offenses, self inflicted mistakes and PMS.

Level 2: Direct insults in a calm demeanor (I.E. "That was a gregarious error, what the fuck were you thinking?")

Level 3: Raising of the voice in a hostile manner. This is often also partnered with an insult such as, "You have no fucking brain!"

Level 4: Most commonly caused by making a "severe" to "unforgivable" error. A yell so loud, neighboring offices may place a 911 call. Known to paralyze victims.

Level 5: Kicking, hitting or biting walls, furniture or other inanimate objects (one of which you are considered). Screaming at ultra high decibel levels. This may be cause for job removal and or restraining order.

Now that the two of you have been properly introduced, I must get back to compiling a spreadsheet of invites for a future play reading in addition to updating a list of potential project investors. Luckily, Ms. Wilkes has a 2PM doctor’s appointment as well as a 4PM conference to attend.

Something notable: When in doubt...file.