Shit Storms

Definition: Shit Storm -- 1.) When all the shit hits you at once. A whole bunch of criticism, or problems all at once. When in the shit storm you are being shit hammered. 2.) A euphemism qualifying a noun with a greater sense of intensity rather than as plainly stated.

ex. "Man my wife left me, a cop pulled me over and gave me a ticket for no insurance, and no registration, and when I came home my house had been broken into, and burned to the ground, it was a real shit storm."

**********

It began as a typical Monday morning. My 8:57 train was the usual six minutes late. My four seater in the head car was occupied by Brit the chatty twenty something entrepreneur from Upstate who brings home more in a day’s pay than I do in a years. I dodged at least one taxi on my trip between Madison and Times Square. Both elevators were stuck on 8 for three minutes and there was no continental breakfast awaiting me when I arrived into the office. The only difference would have to be that I was accompanied by Ms. Wilkes the entire time. Almost like a field trip from her apartment to her desk. Turns out that she needed some minor assistant with some not so heavy lifting (when the hell did this get into my job description).

About an hour of peace and quiet ensued until...it happened. Ms. Wilkes burst into my co-workers office. What started as a calm, reserved and almost meditational conversation, erupted into an all out "shit storm". The door was closed, then a scuffle, then some banging, then came the yelling (at times this sounded like gurgling, which made me wonder if someone was being strangled VIA computer cord). I. Was. In heaven, and if available would have definitely ordered this kind of action on one of the Pay-Per View channels. If only the door had been open.

From what I gathered, the argument revolved around money (the details so extreme and particular that if I were to disclose it would most certainly reveal to you my identity). Lets just say that I feared for his life (and this guy is 6'5). The door FLUNG back open. No one sported any odd bruises or bloodied/missing appendages. What exactly HAD happened?!?

Whatever it was, my harmless co-worker stormed out the door to the office at 10:45AM and still has not returned. It is 2:05. Could this have knocked the staff down to two? Could it just be Ms. Wilkes and I from here on out? Could I be promoted to a 200k annual salary as by gift from God?

...Stay tuned tomorrow as details emerge on this weeks installment of "Swimming with Sharks".

A Trade a Day Keeps the Boredom Away

I can't stress this enough. READ YOUR TRADES. So you don't know what a "Trade" is? There are two publications that every industry professional needs to read. They are Variety and The Hollywood Reporter. Each tell you EVERYTHING that is going on both the east and west coasts of the film business. If anything, Variety is a MUST. As a creative assistant, in most cases a copy will roll by your desk FIRST before it even gets into the hands of your producer. You will have approximately 30 minutes to read through the articles before he/she asks for it. Luckily, due to recent advancements in modern technology, you can now also browse through a Digital Copy online if you are privy to a username and password for the account.

SKIP NOTHING. Every bit of information is important. Of course I have favorite sections including "Movie Reviews" and "Upcoming Productions", but if you use your head you'll realize that even news of promotions of executives within the industry are vital. One of these individuals could be your future boss...or someone to parachute into their backyard and beg for a job from.

There are moments of downtime where you will be thankful to the publishers for removing you from your stint of boredom and educating you on when the next Indiana Jones film is going into post production. I intend to flip through my copy as soon as I finish up with this Blog.

Ms. Wilkes is out again today, just got word that she has been discharged and is heading home for the weekend. I'm hoping that I'll be discharged shortly as well. Whatever and wherever you may be this weekend, enjoy life. Do something that scares you. Do something that excites you. I know I'll be doing just that. God knows this week I’ve earned it.

A copy of todays "Daily Variety"

Gotham (New York City) Edition

Downtime

Once in awhile there as bound to be special occasions (today happens to be one of them) when a creative assistant is lucky enough to have their Producer absent from the office for the duration of a workday (or multiple workdays). It just so happens that mine is in for Surgery. That's right. Admitted this morning, held over until Saturday for observation. There are other instances where he/she may be attending a reading, out of town on business/pleasure, or (and we can only pray) sick. Like everything else, it is what you "chose" to do with the few hours of weekday freedom that matters most. If you happen to work in a production office that is limited to a small staff and you are asked to hold down the fort solo, this may just allow for a lot of freedom...maybe too much. Here are some do's and don'ts.

What NOT to do:

1.) Invite guests over for a party and pretend that you own the place. (This coincides with using your bosses room as your own to entertain company)

2.) Bring in a musical instrument and jam out (word will get around from neighboring offices)

3.) Watch adult content or other "NSFW" material on your computer.

4.) Not show up.

5.) Show up late.

6.) Leave early.

7.) Establish it as a national "Bring Your Pet to Work" day.

8.) Establish it as a national "Bring Your Girlfriend to Work" day.

9.) Establish it as a national "Bring a Hooker to Work" day.

10.) Walk around the office naked "Just to see how it feels".

What TO do:

1.) Spend a ridiculous amount of time surfing Youtube.

2.) Take advantage of the "Instant View" feature on your Netflix account.

3.) Catch up on contacting old friends VIA Facebook, email or phone.

4.) Plan out your weekend activities.

5.) Blog, work on a current screenplay/novel/website etc.

6.) Finish all of your back filing.

7.) Take time to order more office supplies, water coolers etc.

8.) Take an hour long nap on your Producers comfy leather couch

9.) Listen to music at a volume in which you can actually "hear" it.

10.) Browse Craigslist, Mandy.com and others for new employment.

Really enjoy these days when you get them. They are a dime a dozen. If you chose not to take advantage of them, when you're being barked orders one of these days you'll be wishing that you did.

Watching the Cary Grant Classic People Will Talk using
the Netflix "Instant View" Feature

When in Doubt...Lie.

Straight off the bat, I'd just like to say that I'm completely against lying. I've never cheated on an exam (with the exception of this one 2nd grade Math test, but it was only because I was fortunate enough to be sitting beside Katherine Saviskas who happened to be the smartest girl in class). I've never told someone I was doing one thing when I was doing another (with the exception of that time I told my parents I was at my friend Ryan's watching a movie when I was really at an unsupervised party...WITH alcohol...I was such a rebel). I've never pretended to be sick (with the exception of that time I hadn't done my fourth period social studies homework and couldn't face the music).

I'm really practically perfect. An honest soul. My Halo is designer...really it is...but when it comes to being a creative assistant, lying is an unspoken part of the job description. In these cases (and in these cases only) lying in socially acceptable and encouraged for your own well being.

Here are the top ten list of instances when i've decided that lying is the best policy. You'll see that in actuality these are more like white lies:

1.) Q: Did you print that email out for me? A: Of course.

2.) Q: Have you called____? Did you leave a message? A: Done and Done.

3.) (During calendar review) Q: Dinner with the ____on July 7th? Yes? A: Yes. Written here.

4.) Q: You mailed out that package to____before you left last night right? A: Yep.

5.) Q: What is that tracking # for that letter we mailed to___? A: 10493884769

6.) Q: ___is___'s brother right? Or nephew? A: Nephew.

7.) Q: I have an 8pm reservation at Dorsia right? A: They had a kitchen fire last night, have a second choice?

8.) Q: ___said he didn't get your email response and attachment? A: Weird. I don't know what happened, I sent it out yesterday.

9.) Q: You're ten minutes late! You're never late, what happened? A: Terrorist activity on my train this morning. It was insane.

10.) Q: Could you stay an extra hour or so? A: I would love to.

So it is in the opinion of this Blogger that often times the only way out of a sticky situation is through false truths. Take advantage of them, because on this end of the Totem pole, they may be the most liberating part of your day.

The Label Maker

About three weeks ago (maybe it was three months, but whose really counting) Ms. Wilkes found me writing out a mailing address straight onto an envelope. Evidently neat penmanship is "out" and typed labels are "in". Today, it happened again. I was asked why I was not printing a label from the computer, at which point I rebutted with the fact that the computer dedicated for making the labels had come down with a cold (which it had) and no longer operated properly. I believe the real issue here is that my handwriting can be best compared to a third grader with MS. It's horrible.

You may be asking yourself why don’t I just A.) Fix the computer or B.) Use the one that I’m currently blogging on for my label printing needs. At first glance, the answer to the problem may appear simple, but let’s look deeper into why (3 months after the fact) I still continue to be yelled at for kicking it old school.

In production offices (as well as many other standard offices around the country) we use a Xerox Workcentre (you're guess is as good as mine as to why they try to make it sound all sophisticated, like some faux French printing press. I also hate when they do this with the word "Shoppe") Pro 232. It is an all in one fax, copier, scanner and printer. Unfortunately, due to the complexities of its inner workings (trust me, this thing jams more often than a Billy Joel cover band on Mountain Dew) it refuses to accept a sheet of labels through its fragile gears. That right there rules it out as a potential remedy to the problem.

Now then you ask, why doesn't this guy just go online and find an external label maker that doesn't rely on a computer to carry out the printing process? One answer. Would you pay two hundred dollars for a plastic 4X6 desktop machine that holds ten labels at a time? Yes, that's right. The only other remedy for printing your own labels relies on a small PLASTIC box that costs more than a new Blu-ray DVD player or a roundtrip flight to Los Angeles. There is nothing justifiable about it.

So now comes the dilemma. Do I A.) Bite the bullet and charge the damn thing onto the company card or B.) Continue to hide the fact that I am hand writing addresses (possibly doing it in the bathroom so she doesn't see). Tough, tough decision...this may be harder than the time I spent this morning grappling with whether or not to refill the water cooler or let it sit empty until tomorrow. You know what. This isn't MY Amex. It seems to really be eeking her to no end. Ordered. Charged. Expedited shipping. Gift wrap...yes.

Birthdays

When you pass your 21st birthday, those to follow all seem to turn into one of those "another year older, another year wiser" type of scenarios. What used to be a day of pin the tail on the donkey, a pizza party/trip to the batting cages with a group of your buddies and a reasonable cake to candles ratio is now replaced by vodka soda dates with some of your closest friends. It's just as well as far as I'm concerned and in some ways things feel more meaningful (partly due to the fact that now those around you volunteer as opposed to receiving one of those obligatory invitations in the mail). In case you were wondering, yes, I am working on my birthday (one of the harshest truths of the "real world").

Two weeks ago, in a discussion regarding calendar appointments, it casually emerged to Ms. Wilkes that on the 24th I would be celebrating my 25th birthday (I was able to quickly sneak it in after a brief mention of a 2pm doctor's appointment on the same day). Then. Something out of left field. Ms. Wilkes suddenly began talking about her favorite subject. Herself.

"When I was twenty five...when I was twenty five...where was I when I was twenty five...ah yes! I was manager of my first Broadway theater production! Ahhh, it was rare for a female in those times to hold such a position. Make a reservation for two at Shun Lee, tonight, 7pm."

If I didn't know my place and this were any other individual, my mouth would have be agap at that very moment, but since I value my job, my pride and my testicles, I diligently made the reservation and left it at that.

FLASH FORWARD

INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT

As I lay in bed (birthday eve) indulging in a phone conversation with my girlfriend, we began nonchalantly tossing around ideas of what Ms. Wilkes would say or do when I walked into the office the next day. The following is our (very) shortlist of possibilities:

1.) She would give me a raise (I'm pretty sure this was meant to be comical)
2.) I would be wished a happy birthday and given a pat on the back.
3.) There would be a cake and/or cupcakes (preferably the later).
4.) I'd be presented with a gift of some sort in customary birthday fashion.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE -- PRESENT DAY

I gripped my key, inserting it into the lock of the front door, anticipating streamers, confetti and a tray full of Crumbs cupcakes and/or a Strawberry Shortcake from Magnolia Bakery.

THE DOOR OPENED.

Silence. Then the sound of Ms. Wilkes sending a job to the printer. The printer printing the job. The printer finishing the job. Then more silence.

I found it odd that I wasn't even greeted with the typical "good morning" or "howdy". Even a "hey" would have sufficed. But. Abso-lutely. Nothing. I sat. Waited. Did a little "clearing of the throat" action. Still. Nothing.

I have now been here for almost three hours. We have engaged in conversation numerous times and it is apparent to me that she has indeed...forgotten. Now I'm not one of those sensitive "don't kill the whales, plant a tree" type of guys. I eat meat and potatoes just like the rest of us. I can take orders on a daily basis, I can withstand tirades of verbal abuse, but one thing that just hits me with a low blow is a woman who I have worked beside for over eight months not remembering a birthday that I had recently told her about.

Two. Words.

That is all that needed to come out of her mouth.

Unfortunately, this is simply a personal matter. On the business front the check came in last week (3 days late albeit), I haven't had any instances of severe physical abuse just yet, and I've never been denied an hour lunch. So what does one make of all this? I can only surmise that this woman who I spend my weekdays is soulless. To fellow creative assistants everywhere, "why do we continue to go through our days like this?" It may only be a farfetched wish that one day soon we will all stand up, join together and give our respective producers a big old, "Fuck You". Yes. That would indeed be the greatest birthday gift of all.

The "What" Contract?

For a single project there can be up to 200 different contracts. Everything ranging from "Authors Agreements" to "Collection Agency Agreements" to "Production Services Agreements"...which really makes me wonder why my "Assistant Liability Insurance Contract" fell by the wayside. I digress. One would think that after thirty years in the business, Ms. Wilkes would have the names of her contracts down pat.

One. Would. Think.

Here is a brief list of contracts comparing the proper name of the contract to the "Wilkes" name for the contract when I'm asked to retrieve it.

*Note: This was the exact list and order shouted to me from her office this morning. These Wilkesisms are subject to change on a daily basis.

Proper
Actors Deal Memo
Option Agreement
Production Services Agreement
Loan Agreement
Interparty Agreement

Wilkesism
The Artist Engagement Thingie
The Company Payment Papers
The Exhibit "A" 20 Pager
The Money Borrow Papers
The Producers Humdinger

Sometimes I feel (and this could just be the complimentary sugar free red bull that I was given yesterday on the street talking) that she gets some sort of twisted enjoyment out of seeing me dig through binders and binders of materials as if only to metastasize into something erotic for her. So I scan through mountains of paperwork for key words such as "Engagement" or "Exhibit A". Do you know how many contracts have an Exhibit A? The important ones. Of course, my first "guess" turned out to be wrong. God, I had to have put in at least twenty minutes for that guess. Luckily, today I got away with a, "That's the wrong damn thing." Happy to report that my second guess did the trick.

*It is important that a creative assistant understand that no matter how much they may think that someday they will reach a point of shared Nirvana with their producer, it will never, ever...ever happen. Roll with the punches and keep your ideas about a raise to your goddamn self. Salary will be the topic of conversation on Monday. As for this exhausted blogger, he intends to enjoy the next two days of freedom before returning the stockades.

Introducing Ms. Wilkes

In 1990 Rob Reiner introduced the character of Annie Wilkes (if we really want to be fair to all involved we should give sole credit for conceptualizing Annie to the great Stephen King) to movie going audiences. Her crazed, psychotic, schizophrenic personality stands out as one of the most horrific portrayals of a female villain to date. I think my favorite scene (as well as the one that gave me most nightmares as a kid) is when Annie has Paul Sheldon (James Caan's character) tied to the bed, places a wooden board between his legs and proceeds to fracture both feet with a sledgehammer. It is for this reason (and in complete sentimentality) that for the entirety of this blog I will refer to MY producer as, Ms. Wilkes.

When I agreed to take on the job as Ms. Wilkes' assistant, I wasn't told much about the way she did business. In fact, her veteran assistant and the fellow twenty something that trained me for the position spoke of her sparingly. Sure, it should have sent up a bit of a red flag to me when I saw him walk into her office and get reprimanded for not centering the level of the blinds properly to the window frame, but at the time I thought nothing of it. I was simply glad to have the "foot in the door" that I had been waiting over two years for.

"Old School" doesn't even begin to adequately describe Ms. Wilkes’ demanding, assertive, hardnosed, anal, la di da personality. In fact, the proper word for this would be (mind you this is my official trademark, so no plagiarizing), Gastapoesque. This is due to the fact that if Hitler were to have chosen a career path in the movie business, he would win the award for "most listed" on Ms. Wilke's drinks calendar. You'll get to know Ms. Wilkes here. You may come to despise her. You may come to (if you're the submissive type) develop one of those bizarre attractions for her because of her authoritative, controlling way of getting things done. Whatever light you happen to view her in remember, I’m the one that has to live with her. So please. Show a little compassion and understanding...I'm serious.

If Ms. Wilkes were to have a Facebook profile, it would read a bit like this:

Relationship Status: Married to Gordon Gecko
Political Views: La Cienega
Religious Views: Mount Durmitor
Activities: Being a Producer! What else?
Interests: Hiking, camping, anything outdoors, traveling, vacationing, sailing, socializing.
Favorite Music: Anything classical (although I do have a Gnarls Barkley ringtone).
Favorite Movies: Mine...oh, and that one starring Angelica Houston where she plays a neglectful mother.
Favorite Books: As long as it's on my Kindle, it's fine by me.
Favorite Quotations: "Life is like a game of poker: If you don't put any in the pot, there won't be any to take out."

Ms. Wilke's has five distinctive levels of anger (told you I’d get to this eventually).

Level 1: Quiet scuffing, talking under the breath, silent angered gazes. These are mainly caused by minor offenses, self inflicted mistakes and PMS.

Level 2: Direct insults in a calm demeanor (I.E. "That was a gregarious error, what the fuck were you thinking?")

Level 3: Raising of the voice in a hostile manner. This is often also partnered with an insult such as, "You have no fucking brain!"

Level 4: Most commonly caused by making a "severe" to "unforgivable" error. A yell so loud, neighboring offices may place a 911 call. Known to paralyze victims.

Level 5: Kicking, hitting or biting walls, furniture or other inanimate objects (one of which you are considered). Screaming at ultra high decibel levels. This may be cause for job removal and or restraining order.

Now that the two of you have been properly introduced, I must get back to compiling a spreadsheet of invites for a future play reading in addition to updating a list of potential project investors. Luckily, Ms. Wilkes has a 2PM doctor’s appointment as well as a 4PM conference to attend.

Something notable: When in doubt...file.

Keys to Your Survival At Sea

You may not want to consider this job (or in some instances reading this Blog) if you experience or take part in the following:

• Heart Trouble or High Blood Pressure
• Heart Burn
• Have had Recent Surgery
• Are Pregnant or Nursing
• Neck Trouble
• Back Trouble
• Arthritis
• Vertigo
• 20/40 Vision
• A Past Vulnerability to School Bullies
• Anxiety Disorder
• Bi-Polar Disorder
• Anger Issues
• Night Sweats
• Sensitivity
• Smiling (Laughing also falls into this category)
• An Inability to Multitask
• Self Respect
• Self Worth
• Self Indulgance
• Debt (this will most likely come later)
• A Glorified Perception of Hollywood

Now that we've separated the men from the boys, let us continue....

There is a certain knowledge that one must possess which include a variety of items that one must also take advantage of if he/she is to "make it" through their first hour of work as a Creative Assistant. Below is a brief Survival Guide of a few basics to ensure that you won't be fired, whipped, slapped or found hanging VIA a noose tied to your doorframe with the chair kicked out from underneath.

Post it Notes: They are your best friends. They come in a variety of colors. Use them. Buy up stock in them. Always have them within reach. When your producer needs A.) A number B.) An email address C.) A mailing address or D.) To be alerted of the name of an individual whom calls in if he/she happens to be on the other line (Usually Obnoxious Orange or Razmataz Red work best when caught in such a situation. When approaching, hold out front above the waist and agitate your hand a bit to obtain their desired attention). Recycle after use (there will be plenty chances to ruin the environment in direct correlation with this position at a later time).

A Calendar: The correct calendar has columns that are separated into time slots ranging from 7am-9pm Monday-Sunday. If your producer decides that they need you to remember their affairs outside of the allowed time window then force yourself to store it to memory or you've got a pen and a hand, use it.

The Tickle File: This is a file folder with seperate pockets for each day of every month. It is used to store papers and any other important materials for a reminder at a later date. Your producer will most likely label the item that they need stored by marking a date in the upper right hand corner (I.E. 9/12, 10/1...12/25) so you may then pull it to refresh he/she's memory on the requested date. Producers have no memory. This is why you must either be blessed with two or invest in a second.

A Second Memory: As previously stated, you will be required to retain more information than it may be possible to absorb in one sitting. Too fucking bad. Deal with it. Might I suggest the following process to reduce the amount of verbal abuse that you are bound to take on a daily basis. Invest in a notebook (I actually prefer white paper hole punched into a three ring binder) and a Highlighter. Most of your daily informational intake is during the morning sit down with your producer. Try using abbreviations when possible during the taking of an assignment. Write legibly and if you don't understand something then ASK. You will most likely be yelled as for doing so, but it will only be what I call a "Level 1" attack (something we'll get into in later posts). Highlight the items that have been completed along the way. If you are given a list of calls to place and are forced to leave a message place an *Asterisk next to the name and continue on.

Patience: You will be experiencing high levels of stress, confusion, disorientation, fear, anxiety, humiliation, exploitation and degradation. It is how you deal with it that matters. I use the old "Grain of Salt" technique (In fifth grade we called this, "I am rubber, you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you"). It is a motto that I highly encourage you to adopt and it will get you through the times when you think that you are a worthless, subhuman life form.

A Strong Anti-Perspirant/Deodorant: I recommend "Old Spice Red Zone" for Men. Ladies, you're pretty much on your own here (although I did have an Ex who I would get in some pretty heated fights with that used "Secret" Invisible Solid and she still smelt great long after the argument).

Creativity: The position is called "Creative Assistant". If you only know how to file, type memos, make copies, write letters, perform mass mailings etc. then you've only won half the battle and should probably consult the "Administrative Assistant" Blog for further information. You will be required to perform script coverage (a creative analysis of a script for potential production), sit in on development meetings (where you will be required to give your creative input on current projects), make decisions of promotional materials, dissect and pick up on trends within marketing reports and have a vast knowledge of films, what makes a good one, how they work and what goes into making one. Having some knowledge of theater and television is also a plus. In short, if your favorite movie is "Baby Mama" or using your imagination during an episode of "Barney" was a disinterest to you, then don't waste your time.

The above are the rudimentary. If nothing else, remember them. Never take them for granted. Throughout the entries to follow you will learn of my hardships and struggles on a day to day basis. Like a masked Magician revealing his most top secret of illusions, never before has there been a Creative Assistant who has spoken out about their real time experiences...until now. Not only am I risking both my job and reputation in the industry, but also...my life.

If Dreams Are Employees, Mine Should Be Fired.

Disclaimer: For the purposes of this blog all names and likenesses of real life individuals or companies will be replaced by last names of various well known film characters and fictitiously ludicrous corporations.


It spawns from the tiniest, most insignificant little spark. A feeling that starts in your toes and slowly works its way up until it begins to slowly and meticulously hypnotize your senses into conforming to its well calculated plans. I'm talking about dreams. Not in that, "I just had this terrible dream I came to work in my pair of lobster print boxers," kind of dream. I'm talking about that moment when you know, without a fraction of a doubt, that this is what you want to do with your life. THIS is your following. I'm more than aware that many of you have never experienced this "spark" and for those of you who have, unless by chance you happen to "do" what I "do", we most likely have absolutely nothing to relate to.

I first got the shitty idea of wanting to make it big in the film industry after watching Steven Spielberg’s "Close Encounters of the Third Kind". On the whole, it basically made me feel like I had just consumed a warm piece of the world’s most delicious chocolate lava cake a la mode with two scoops of cookie dough ice cream (the only thing on earth that I could possibly be bribed with). I wanted to share the experience of watching such films with others in order for them to, in some way, FEEL what I felt. It was my civic duty. I soon reached a point where to share what I deemed as quality cinema with those friends and family that surrounded me just wasn't enough. I decided that there didn't simply need to be movies like these, but they needed to be MY movies. THE SPARK.

I dabbled in television production during high school, all along, that "feeling" gradually working itself throughout my body. From there, college, where I was determined to devote myself to the art of moviemaking and learn everything possible about what it takes to deliver to audiences what I call a "Spielbergasm". 4 years and $180,000 dollars later (that's in multiplying 22,500 dollars per semester by 8) I now had a Bachelors degree...in Film. Little did I know this five by ten piece of paper would be most comparable to the trite paragraphs of a death sentence (we're talking Texas here, not Maine).

The best word to describe the job search process of a newly graduated film student is "Nightmare" (Wait, I was pretty sure this was my dream...right?). Let me first list the rules that one must take into effect BEFORE applying for a job in the entertainment industry. They are as follows:

-No Phone Calls.
-No Faxes
-No Unsolicited materials (I.E Scripts, resume's, cover letters, pets)
-No Messages
-No Fruit Baskets
-No Telegrams
-No Strip-O-Grams
-No Grams of any Kind (Not limited to the Teddy or cracker varietal)
-No Emails.
-Minimum experience required: 2+ years in the field of television, film or commercial production.
-Maximum experience allowed for entry level assistant position 1+ years in television, film or commercial production.
-Entry level Salary between 15-22k annually.
-No interns will be accepted without receiving college credit.
-Please let us reiterate. NO PHONE CALLS.

Approximately 3,541 individuals will be applying for this particular job by means of a small, preset box on a website such as Mandy.com or a link which leads to a five hour registration process with a company such as Warner Brothers, NBC or ABC, which may then lead to a button in which you may then submit a resume and cover letter which you have hopefully been able to upload or (at the very least) type in manually.

What happens then (and I can only hypothesize) is that the resume is filtered into either a human resource directors personal email account OR the Gmail of the individual whom is looking for their replacement. In rare instances, the producer or second in command will be the one to be involved with the hiring process. Nevertheless, whomever IS in charge will quickly whittle (whether he or she simply highlights 75% of the inbox and presses delete will never be known) the candidates down to somewhere between 7 and 20 individuals.

Now before I get to my experience of actually winning the media job lottery, I must explain to you my track record. Along with the degree, a film academy diploma, intern experience as well as unprecedented production experience for someone my age, out of approximately 7,100 jobs that I sent in applications to, I received 4 interviews, two of which politely declined and one of which brought me back for three separate interviews after which time they sent me an email politely (yet cowardly) declining me. In my case, the fourth was the charm-

*Addendum: I need to make something perfectly clear to you. This all occurred over a three year span of time during which I was forced to work in a department store at ten dollars an hour to support myself while actively pursuing job leads. I am going to say this, and I am going to say this only once. If I did NOT live at home in a rentless environment as well as have an INTENSE desire to attain this "dream", I would be either A.) On the street selling crack cocaine to fund my first Indy feature, or B.) Adopting the life of a vacuum cleaner salesman (I shit you not; I applied in a moment of silent desperation and was offered the job).

-I pushed that magic little "submit" button, closed my eyes and prayed. Two hours later I received "the call"...

"Hello? This is Mr. Butler from Independently Righteous Productions. We've seen your resume and would like to get you in for an interview." It took me under a second to come up with a date and time. I knew the drill at this point. My expectations were low. Two days later I sat in front of Mr. Butler, confident, poised and dapper in the new $900 dollar suite that I had gotten on employee discount for $200 at my previous position, but he didn't know that. It was a fairly casual conversation that lasted about twenty minutes. In that period of time, he had no problem revealing that he had (through some miracle of God) narrowed the race down to 3 candidates from 3,000. I was one of them. God I'm good. I left feeling "not great" and "not bad" about the experience...in Spanish this is what they call "asi, asi".

Two days later I received a call that they were still deciding my fate, but had narrowed it down to me and one other candidate. If only I had his address so I knew where to hide the arsenic. I had come so close. Days passed by, the answer, then, finally...it happened..."This is Mr. Butler, we'd like to offer you the position here at Independently Righteous as our Creative Assistant." Fireworks were exploding, bells were ringing, angels were singing Donna E Mobile. I'd done it. I was one step closer to the "dream". One step closer to inflicting Spielbergasms on all of mankind. I was one step closer...to Hell.

If you've ever imagined yourself working in the film business, become aroused by the idea of mingling with celebrities on a week to week basis, wanted to know what your first job in the industry would be like or actually happen to have the misfortune of working as a "creative assistant" and just need to read on for comfort in the fact that "You are not alone", then I invite you to join me, as I "Swim with Sharks", fighting for my career, my life and my dignity.