Other Job Opportunities

So this morning I receive a rando call from a film producer who tells me that I’ve been recommended by one of my former colleagues to be his assistant on the set of a new Hollywood film shooting in the area. This hasn't been the first call of its kind. Last year I was recommended by a colleague for the same type of key position on a Robert DeNiro movie. Both are extremely legit, though these fly by night, once in a lifetime opportunities come with a cost.

The job of a creative assistant is steady (which is one of its upsides). Every other week you get a check and your employment is definite (as long as you’re neither fired nor killed). The job of an "On Set" assistant to a producer on the other hand, is not. You'll be paid a bit more BUT you'll be asked to work holidays, weekends, and 14 hour days, around the clock. The film will shoot for about 3-6 months and then you're out on the street again. Hence comes the dilemma. To leave my life as a creative assistant completely for a new IMDB credit and another chance to see my name up there on the big screen or stay in steady employment and hope I’m promoted shortly?

What would you do? Not an easy position to be in. I'll most likely NOT leave life as a creative assistant for the circus again anytime in the near future (been there, done that), but nevertheless, I’ve decided to meet with the producer this evening simply to make a connection. It couldn't hurt. At least I’ll gain another linked in connection who may get my next script to Spielberg.

I'll let you know how it goes...

Yes. It Has Been Months.

So it's been a whole month since your covert creative assistant has blogged. We had a little scare that forced me to be away from the blogosphere for a little while. I can't put it into detail, but let's just say that my very identity was jeopardized, which in turn meant my reputation in this industry as well as my job (as low as it does pay, I still need it to pay the bills).

There's been a TON that's gone on since my last message to you all. A few films have been released including "Where the Wild Things Are" which in my opinion underwhelmed...unfortunately since I’m a big Spike J. fan.

I promise to bring that "special guest" blogger on next week that was so highly anticipated. Ms. Wilkes is still up to her old tricks. Sometimes she'll have some humane streaks, but mostly still dislocating ankles.

I'll attempt to update as much as possible from here on out and keep you informed of recent developments. Until then, in addition to penning a feature myself, I'm waiting on fresh new scripts to put into development here. I encourage any budding writers out there to contact me privately if you think you've got what it takes to stand up to my harsh critique. I've been reading some real stinkers lately and need to gain some hope in promoting all of you new emerging writers.

Early Dismissals

Remember when you were in elementary school and right around ten in the morning it would start snowing? You knew that there was some chance, some small chance that there would be an early dismissal and you could get home early (hopefully avoiding that third period Social Studies class that you forgot to do homework for). Well, it isn't the dead of winter, and we haven't had any severe weather threats as of yet, but by some stroke of luck I’ve been getting out of the office 2-3 hours early every day this week. You could have believed just how surprised I was when I found out that I’d have an early dismissal today once again. It was like a gift from God. The other gift from God was that, for the entirety of this week, Ms. Wilkes has been absent. That's right. Gone. Sure, she'll call in once in awhile, but it gives me a chance to catch up on that Netflix instant view and some...extremely...back filing...we're talking Library of Congress type filing (we'll touch on how to become an expert filer next week).

Also on next week’s menu we'll discuss my top ten worst experiences thus far (absolutely not to be missed), the craziest things Ms. Wilkes has EVER done as well as a special guest blogger who will sit in and vent about their equally frustrating experiences as a creative executive on the West Coast (also not to be missed).

We've got Sorority Row to look forward to this weekend in the film world. I expect to see you all there to show your support for what promises to include terrible acting (Rumor Willis) and plenty of scantily clad Sorority girls running across the screen (let’s hope NOT Rumor Willis).

Until then, have a great weekend. Mine starts...now.

Last Names

There's no doubt about the fact that while on the battlefield you're going to come across some incredibly wacky last names, all of which will be your responsibility to pronounce CORRECTLY. When you mispronounce a name, your producer will make it known (usually by either a level 2 or a level 3). To do so is sacrilege. Here are a few that have stood out to me so far over the duration of my employment. I must contest that I've had a good laugh here and there at their expense:
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Correct Pronounciation * Incorrect Pronounciation

Fishwasser ----------------- Fishmonger

Weitzenhoffer ------------ Wizenfranker

Wallmower --------------- Wallflower

Skola----------------------- Ebola

Swackhammer----------- Jackhammer

Carsey--------------------- Carseat

Reiser---------------------- Geiser

Mungioli------------------ Ravioli

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You'll get the hang of it after being criticized for your mispronunciations with every failed effort that you make to voice them correctly. This doesn't mean you can't give out a little internal giggle every time you think it. After all, this is one of the few times where you can bring some humor into the work environment and make the day go faster (kind of like that game you play in the car where you have to find the letters of the alphabet on street signs, license plates etc.)

*On a side note. The last name breakdown just sent my spell checker into an epileptic seizure.

Never Lose Sight

Here's something of importance:

No matter if you're a creative assistant, mail room clerk, administrative assistant or McDonalds cashier, never lose sight of who you are and what you would like to become.

During another day of "manning the fort" I watched a film called "Moscow on the Hudson" starring Robin Williams made sometime in the late 80's early 90's. I had never seen it before, but it turned out to be one of those movies that I wished I had sooner. In it, a man (played by Williams) "Defects" while on a trip to New York City, only to find himself penniless (but free). He works hard to gain citizenship, make a living and start a life from nothing...just for freedom. It made me realize how easy some of us have it...including myself.

We are brought into this world, if fortunate enough, with all of the tools to help us on our journey. A roof over our heads, food in our bellies and loving parents to show us the way. If we fall, they'll help to pick us up. How often to do we stop to realize what generations before us have sacrificed to make us who we are? To save us all of the struggle that they went through. Me, my great grandparents came from Italy with the only the clothes on their backs, a small amount of money and their love for one another (if they were lucky enough to have their wives or children come over with them). From nothing, they built something through hard work, dedication and sacrifice.

One thing that I refuse to do (and I would hope that you can adopt the same philosophy) is whine and complain when I don’t get what I want out of this life. You are NEVER entitled to anything in this world. There are no promises. There are no guarantees. This country. This world is only what you make of it. Yeah, I may sound all preachy and blah blah blah, but it all comes around full circle when it comes to handling life at the bottom of the workforce’s Totem pole.

Surround yourself with other things that you like to do. Whether it's music, photography, cooking, singing...anything to help further your career in the things that you REALLY want to do. For me, it is writing and directing (occasionally a side career in performing). I always keep my talents in shape. If yours aren't, I’d suggest brushing them off and giving them twenty reps of creativity. Life is too short for you to wait for others permission to do something that you love. Follow my lead and there will be no smack talking producer on this earth that will be able to snub that mysterious smile from your face caused by doing the things that you love. Ever…and honestly…we all know we can do a much better job than they can. That’ll be our little secret.

"And I'm Sending Out This Email Because...?"

Back from a spectacular Labor Day weekend. The weather remained perfect, the festivities were plentiful, and there was absolutely no mention of work or anything that may have been associated with it (so peaceful).

Today has gone by smoothly thus far, with the exception of some minor A.M. drama over the usual fare. Best news of the hour would have to be that Mr. Tibbs has granted me an early leave in the anticipation of Ms. Wilkes' absence later on this afternoon (which means I can get in a long and much needed workout before dinner). To tell you that I pigged out all weekend is a HUGE understatement. The highlight of my food binge would have to have been the chocolate fondue fountain with assorted cookies, fruits and marshmallows for dipping...do they make these for home use?

So I tend to get many requests from Ms. Wilkes for sending out emails to a variety of different individuals including (but not limited to): high powered execs, directors, producers, actors/actresses, investors, doctors, lawyers, accountants, pimps, bail bondsmen and mixologists. The ones that always get me though are those that include personal notes from Ms. Wilkes that she would like me to send VIA my own work email account. Why oh why if she has her own email address can she not simply send the email out HERSELF? Isn't it just as much work (if not more) to type up an email herself and send it to me to then send out to the person in question?

Isn't it more focused, meaningful and all together less confusing if the individual receiving the email sees that the message they received signed by her directly has NOT gone through some strange and impractical filtering process which ultimately appears to the receiving end like a bizarre power trip by simply symbolizing that she may be too all and powerful/busy to send off her own emails? Don't get me wrong, if there is any way possible that I can achieve making her look all the more insane to others then add it to the top of my list, but in this case, I’d at least like to understand her logic. Then again, understanding the logic of a producer is like trying to decipher the individual personalities of a schizophrenic minister.

I have absolutely ZERO theories as to why I'm forced to continue this type of busy work other than that it is to only one more portray her need to control anything and everything. For all the fuck I know, tomorrow she could outlaw the consumption of Hersey Kisses. It's all...one...big...abuse of power. Furthermore, I must contest that it must drive her absolutely insane to know that she has no control over when or how I chose to spend my time away from work or take a paid vacation day...and this my friends...is revenge enough.

Forced Holidays

So yesterday I was informed that I would be enjoying a four day weekend. Ms. Wilkes decided to create what she calls a "Forced Holiday". This supposedly means that it is nameless and self invented out of thin air for no particular reason at all. Guess what else it means? It is UNPAID. You got it. Because she decides to gallivant across Nantucket sipping a Perier in a cravat and a dickey, I'm forced to take an entire days pay cut. Luckily, Mr. Tibbs (who also controls payroll) is seeing to making sure there is no decrease in next week’s paycheck.

*Side note: I just calculated that if I were to work at McDonalds seven days a week, with overtime I would be making more than I do here. Food for thought (no pun intended).

On top of everything else, I’ve been recruited to help Ms. Wilkes back to her apartment after work today (remember, she just had surgery) which includes the usual flirtatious encounter with her daughter in which I have to find some sorry excuse to bail out of a twenty minute conversation (last time I used the, "My girlfriend's waiting for me at Thalia for our 6:30 reservation" excuse).

Things managed to flow smoothly today, despite her terrifying me when I walked in the door this morning by saying, "Today's gonna be a busy one." Thank God she's a compulsive liar. I even decided to go against the system and take an hour and fifteen minute lunch during of which I made a trip to John Allan's for some serious relaxation and a vodka soda. Pretty decent way to go into the long weekend if you ask me.

Now is the time where I must bid you farewell for a few days of much needed vacation. I'll be retreating up to Cape Cod for one of my best friends weddings (man does time fly). You may ask yourself how I am affording such an elaborate endeavor. I might add that the only positive that came out of waiting two years to break into the industry is that I was able to save an exorbitant amount of money, some of which I’ve made wise investments with, others I’ve chosen to watch grow in a money market with an excellent APY. If you haven't already, I highly recommend doing so yourself (unless you're perfectly content with eating Ramen and wearing that same A&E T-shirt that you got for your sixteenth birthday over and over again).

Until next time, no matter how bad things may get, always remember that there are starving children in the Sudan, you could be serving 100 years to life, you're hearts still beating and your vision is still acceptable (since you've made it through this Blog thus far). When you step out of the office, make the world your playground and be sure to savor life’s "Forced Holidays".