Monday, August 31, 2009

Shit Storms

Definition: Shit Storm -- 1.) When all the shit hits you at once. A whole bunch of criticism, or problems all at once. When in the shit storm you are being shit hammered. 2.) A euphemism qualifying a noun with a greater sense of intensity rather than as plainly stated.


ex. "Man my wife left me, a cop pulled me over and gave me a ticket for no insurance, and no registration, and when I came home my house had been broken into, and burned to the ground, it was a real shit storm."

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It began as a typical Monday morning. My 8:57 train was the usual six minutes late. My four seater in the head car was occupied by Brit the chatty twenty something entrepreneur from Upstate who brings home more in a day’s pay than I do in a years. I dodged at least one taxi on my trip between Madison and Times Square. Both elevators were stuck on 8 for three minutes and there was no continental breakfast awaiting me when I arrived into the office. The only difference would have to be that I was accompanied by Ms. Wilkes the entire time. Almost like a field trip from her apartment to her desk. Turns out that she needed some minor assistant with some not so heavy lifting (when the hell did this get into my job description).

About an hour of peace and quiet ensued until...it happened. Ms. Wilkes burst into my co-workers office. What started as a calm, reserved and almost meditational conversation, erupted into an all out "shit storm". The door was closed, then a scuffle, then some banging, then came the yelling (at times this sounded like gurgling, which made me wonder if someone was being strangled VIA computer cord). I. Was. In heaven, and if available would have definitely ordered this kind of action on one of the Pay-Per View channels. If only the door had been open.

From what I gathered, the argument revolved around money (the details so extreme and particular that if I were to disclose it would most certainly reveal to you my identity). Lets just say that I feared for his life (and this guy is 6'5). The door FLUNG back open. No one sported any odd bruises or bloodied/missing appendages. What exactly HAD happened?!?

Whatever it was, my harmless co-worker stormed out the door to the office at 10:45AM and still has not returned. It is 2:05. Could this have knocked the staff down to two? Could it just be Ms. Wilkes and I from here on out? Could I be promoted to a 200k annual salary as by gift from God?

...Stay tuned tomorrow as details emerge on this weeks installment of "Swimming with Sharks".

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