If Dreams Are Employees, Mine Should Be Fired.

Disclaimer: For the purposes of this blog all names and likenesses of real life individuals or companies will be replaced by last names of various well known film characters and fictitiously ludicrous corporations.


It spawns from the tiniest, most insignificant little spark. A feeling that starts in your toes and slowly works its way up until it begins to slowly and meticulously hypnotize your senses into conforming to its well calculated plans. I'm talking about dreams. Not in that, "I just had this terrible dream I came to work in my pair of lobster print boxers," kind of dream. I'm talking about that moment when you know, without a fraction of a doubt, that this is what you want to do with your life. THIS is your following. I'm more than aware that many of you have never experienced this "spark" and for those of you who have, unless by chance you happen to "do" what I "do", we most likely have absolutely nothing to relate to.

I first got the shitty idea of wanting to make it big in the film industry after watching Steven Spielberg’s "Close Encounters of the Third Kind". On the whole, it basically made me feel like I had just consumed a warm piece of the world’s most delicious chocolate lava cake a la mode with two scoops of cookie dough ice cream (the only thing on earth that I could possibly be bribed with). I wanted to share the experience of watching such films with others in order for them to, in some way, FEEL what I felt. It was my civic duty. I soon reached a point where to share what I deemed as quality cinema with those friends and family that surrounded me just wasn't enough. I decided that there didn't simply need to be movies like these, but they needed to be MY movies. THE SPARK.

I dabbled in television production during high school, all along, that "feeling" gradually working itself throughout my body. From there, college, where I was determined to devote myself to the art of moviemaking and learn everything possible about what it takes to deliver to audiences what I call a "Spielbergasm". 4 years and $180,000 dollars later (that's in multiplying 22,500 dollars per semester by 8) I now had a Bachelors degree...in Film. Little did I know this five by ten piece of paper would be most comparable to the trite paragraphs of a death sentence (we're talking Texas here, not Maine).

The best word to describe the job search process of a newly graduated film student is "Nightmare" (Wait, I was pretty sure this was my dream...right?). Let me first list the rules that one must take into effect BEFORE applying for a job in the entertainment industry. They are as follows:

-No Phone Calls.
-No Faxes
-No Unsolicited materials (I.E Scripts, resume's, cover letters, pets)
-No Messages
-No Fruit Baskets
-No Telegrams
-No Strip-O-Grams
-No Grams of any Kind (Not limited to the Teddy or cracker varietal)
-No Emails.
-Minimum experience required: 2+ years in the field of television, film or commercial production.
-Maximum experience allowed for entry level assistant position 1+ years in television, film or commercial production.
-Entry level Salary between 15-22k annually.
-No interns will be accepted without receiving college credit.
-Please let us reiterate. NO PHONE CALLS.

Approximately 3,541 individuals will be applying for this particular job by means of a small, preset box on a website such as Mandy.com or a link which leads to a five hour registration process with a company such as Warner Brothers, NBC or ABC, which may then lead to a button in which you may then submit a resume and cover letter which you have hopefully been able to upload or (at the very least) type in manually.

What happens then (and I can only hypothesize) is that the resume is filtered into either a human resource directors personal email account OR the Gmail of the individual whom is looking for their replacement. In rare instances, the producer or second in command will be the one to be involved with the hiring process. Nevertheless, whomever IS in charge will quickly whittle (whether he or she simply highlights 75% of the inbox and presses delete will never be known) the candidates down to somewhere between 7 and 20 individuals.

Now before I get to my experience of actually winning the media job lottery, I must explain to you my track record. Along with the degree, a film academy diploma, intern experience as well as unprecedented production experience for someone my age, out of approximately 7,100 jobs that I sent in applications to, I received 4 interviews, two of which politely declined and one of which brought me back for three separate interviews after which time they sent me an email politely (yet cowardly) declining me. In my case, the fourth was the charm-

*Addendum: I need to make something perfectly clear to you. This all occurred over a three year span of time during which I was forced to work in a department store at ten dollars an hour to support myself while actively pursuing job leads. I am going to say this, and I am going to say this only once. If I did NOT live at home in a rentless environment as well as have an INTENSE desire to attain this "dream", I would be either A.) On the street selling crack cocaine to fund my first Indy feature, or B.) Adopting the life of a vacuum cleaner salesman (I shit you not; I applied in a moment of silent desperation and was offered the job).

-I pushed that magic little "submit" button, closed my eyes and prayed. Two hours later I received "the call"...

"Hello? This is Mr. Butler from Independently Righteous Productions. We've seen your resume and would like to get you in for an interview." It took me under a second to come up with a date and time. I knew the drill at this point. My expectations were low. Two days later I sat in front of Mr. Butler, confident, poised and dapper in the new $900 dollar suite that I had gotten on employee discount for $200 at my previous position, but he didn't know that. It was a fairly casual conversation that lasted about twenty minutes. In that period of time, he had no problem revealing that he had (through some miracle of God) narrowed the race down to 3 candidates from 3,000. I was one of them. God I'm good. I left feeling "not great" and "not bad" about the experience...in Spanish this is what they call "asi, asi".

Two days later I received a call that they were still deciding my fate, but had narrowed it down to me and one other candidate. If only I had his address so I knew where to hide the arsenic. I had come so close. Days passed by, the answer, then, finally...it happened..."This is Mr. Butler, we'd like to offer you the position here at Independently Righteous as our Creative Assistant." Fireworks were exploding, bells were ringing, angels were singing Donna E Mobile. I'd done it. I was one step closer to the "dream". One step closer to inflicting Spielbergasms on all of mankind. I was one step closer...to Hell.

If you've ever imagined yourself working in the film business, become aroused by the idea of mingling with celebrities on a week to week basis, wanted to know what your first job in the industry would be like or actually happen to have the misfortune of working as a "creative assistant" and just need to read on for comfort in the fact that "You are not alone", then I invite you to join me, as I "Swim with Sharks", fighting for my career, my life and my dignity.