Other Job Opportunities

So this morning I receive a rando call from a film producer who tells me that I’ve been recommended by one of my former colleagues to be his assistant on the set of a new Hollywood film shooting in the area. This hasn't been the first call of its kind. Last year I was recommended by a colleague for the same type of key position on a Robert DeNiro movie. Both are extremely legit, though these fly by night, once in a lifetime opportunities come with a cost.

The job of a creative assistant is steady (which is one of its upsides). Every other week you get a check and your employment is definite (as long as you’re neither fired nor killed). The job of an "On Set" assistant to a producer on the other hand, is not. You'll be paid a bit more BUT you'll be asked to work holidays, weekends, and 14 hour days, around the clock. The film will shoot for about 3-6 months and then you're out on the street again. Hence comes the dilemma. To leave my life as a creative assistant completely for a new IMDB credit and another chance to see my name up there on the big screen or stay in steady employment and hope I’m promoted shortly?

What would you do? Not an easy position to be in. I'll most likely NOT leave life as a creative assistant for the circus again anytime in the near future (been there, done that), but nevertheless, I’ve decided to meet with the producer this evening simply to make a connection. It couldn't hurt. At least I’ll gain another linked in connection who may get my next script to Spielberg.

I'll let you know how it goes...

Yes. It Has Been Months.

So it's been a whole month since your covert creative assistant has blogged. We had a little scare that forced me to be away from the blogosphere for a little while. I can't put it into detail, but let's just say that my very identity was jeopardized, which in turn meant my reputation in this industry as well as my job (as low as it does pay, I still need it to pay the bills).

There's been a TON that's gone on since my last message to you all. A few films have been released including "Where the Wild Things Are" which in my opinion underwhelmed...unfortunately since I’m a big Spike J. fan.

I promise to bring that "special guest" blogger on next week that was so highly anticipated. Ms. Wilkes is still up to her old tricks. Sometimes she'll have some humane streaks, but mostly still dislocating ankles.

I'll attempt to update as much as possible from here on out and keep you informed of recent developments. Until then, in addition to penning a feature myself, I'm waiting on fresh new scripts to put into development here. I encourage any budding writers out there to contact me privately if you think you've got what it takes to stand up to my harsh critique. I've been reading some real stinkers lately and need to gain some hope in promoting all of you new emerging writers.

Early Dismissals

Remember when you were in elementary school and right around ten in the morning it would start snowing? You knew that there was some chance, some small chance that there would be an early dismissal and you could get home early (hopefully avoiding that third period Social Studies class that you forgot to do homework for). Well, it isn't the dead of winter, and we haven't had any severe weather threats as of yet, but by some stroke of luck I’ve been getting out of the office 2-3 hours early every day this week. You could have believed just how surprised I was when I found out that I’d have an early dismissal today once again. It was like a gift from God. The other gift from God was that, for the entirety of this week, Ms. Wilkes has been absent. That's right. Gone. Sure, she'll call in once in awhile, but it gives me a chance to catch up on that Netflix instant view and some...extremely...back filing...we're talking Library of Congress type filing (we'll touch on how to become an expert filer next week).

Also on next week’s menu we'll discuss my top ten worst experiences thus far (absolutely not to be missed), the craziest things Ms. Wilkes has EVER done as well as a special guest blogger who will sit in and vent about their equally frustrating experiences as a creative executive on the West Coast (also not to be missed).

We've got Sorority Row to look forward to this weekend in the film world. I expect to see you all there to show your support for what promises to include terrible acting (Rumor Willis) and plenty of scantily clad Sorority girls running across the screen (let’s hope NOT Rumor Willis).

Until then, have a great weekend. Mine starts...now.

Last Names

There's no doubt about the fact that while on the battlefield you're going to come across some incredibly wacky last names, all of which will be your responsibility to pronounce CORRECTLY. When you mispronounce a name, your producer will make it known (usually by either a level 2 or a level 3). To do so is sacrilege. Here are a few that have stood out to me so far over the duration of my employment. I must contest that I've had a good laugh here and there at their expense:
______________________________________________

Correct Pronounciation * Incorrect Pronounciation

Fishwasser ----------------- Fishmonger

Weitzenhoffer ------------ Wizenfranker

Wallmower --------------- Wallflower

Skola----------------------- Ebola

Swackhammer----------- Jackhammer

Carsey--------------------- Carseat

Reiser---------------------- Geiser

Mungioli------------------ Ravioli

______________________________________________

You'll get the hang of it after being criticized for your mispronunciations with every failed effort that you make to voice them correctly. This doesn't mean you can't give out a little internal giggle every time you think it. After all, this is one of the few times where you can bring some humor into the work environment and make the day go faster (kind of like that game you play in the car where you have to find the letters of the alphabet on street signs, license plates etc.)

*On a side note. The last name breakdown just sent my spell checker into an epileptic seizure.

Never Lose Sight

Here's something of importance:

No matter if you're a creative assistant, mail room clerk, administrative assistant or McDonalds cashier, never lose sight of who you are and what you would like to become.

During another day of "manning the fort" I watched a film called "Moscow on the Hudson" starring Robin Williams made sometime in the late 80's early 90's. I had never seen it before, but it turned out to be one of those movies that I wished I had sooner. In it, a man (played by Williams) "Defects" while on a trip to New York City, only to find himself penniless (but free). He works hard to gain citizenship, make a living and start a life from nothing...just for freedom. It made me realize how easy some of us have it...including myself.

We are brought into this world, if fortunate enough, with all of the tools to help us on our journey. A roof over our heads, food in our bellies and loving parents to show us the way. If we fall, they'll help to pick us up. How often to do we stop to realize what generations before us have sacrificed to make us who we are? To save us all of the struggle that they went through. Me, my great grandparents came from Italy with the only the clothes on their backs, a small amount of money and their love for one another (if they were lucky enough to have their wives or children come over with them). From nothing, they built something through hard work, dedication and sacrifice.

One thing that I refuse to do (and I would hope that you can adopt the same philosophy) is whine and complain when I don’t get what I want out of this life. You are NEVER entitled to anything in this world. There are no promises. There are no guarantees. This country. This world is only what you make of it. Yeah, I may sound all preachy and blah blah blah, but it all comes around full circle when it comes to handling life at the bottom of the workforce’s Totem pole.

Surround yourself with other things that you like to do. Whether it's music, photography, cooking, singing...anything to help further your career in the things that you REALLY want to do. For me, it is writing and directing (occasionally a side career in performing). I always keep my talents in shape. If yours aren't, I’d suggest brushing them off and giving them twenty reps of creativity. Life is too short for you to wait for others permission to do something that you love. Follow my lead and there will be no smack talking producer on this earth that will be able to snub that mysterious smile from your face caused by doing the things that you love. Ever…and honestly…we all know we can do a much better job than they can. That’ll be our little secret.

"And I'm Sending Out This Email Because...?"

Back from a spectacular Labor Day weekend. The weather remained perfect, the festivities were plentiful, and there was absolutely no mention of work or anything that may have been associated with it (so peaceful).

Today has gone by smoothly thus far, with the exception of some minor A.M. drama over the usual fare. Best news of the hour would have to be that Mr. Tibbs has granted me an early leave in the anticipation of Ms. Wilkes' absence later on this afternoon (which means I can get in a long and much needed workout before dinner). To tell you that I pigged out all weekend is a HUGE understatement. The highlight of my food binge would have to have been the chocolate fondue fountain with assorted cookies, fruits and marshmallows for dipping...do they make these for home use?

So I tend to get many requests from Ms. Wilkes for sending out emails to a variety of different individuals including (but not limited to): high powered execs, directors, producers, actors/actresses, investors, doctors, lawyers, accountants, pimps, bail bondsmen and mixologists. The ones that always get me though are those that include personal notes from Ms. Wilkes that she would like me to send VIA my own work email account. Why oh why if she has her own email address can she not simply send the email out HERSELF? Isn't it just as much work (if not more) to type up an email herself and send it to me to then send out to the person in question?

Isn't it more focused, meaningful and all together less confusing if the individual receiving the email sees that the message they received signed by her directly has NOT gone through some strange and impractical filtering process which ultimately appears to the receiving end like a bizarre power trip by simply symbolizing that she may be too all and powerful/busy to send off her own emails? Don't get me wrong, if there is any way possible that I can achieve making her look all the more insane to others then add it to the top of my list, but in this case, I’d at least like to understand her logic. Then again, understanding the logic of a producer is like trying to decipher the individual personalities of a schizophrenic minister.

I have absolutely ZERO theories as to why I'm forced to continue this type of busy work other than that it is to only one more portray her need to control anything and everything. For all the fuck I know, tomorrow she could outlaw the consumption of Hersey Kisses. It's all...one...big...abuse of power. Furthermore, I must contest that it must drive her absolutely insane to know that she has no control over when or how I chose to spend my time away from work or take a paid vacation day...and this my friends...is revenge enough.

Forced Holidays

So yesterday I was informed that I would be enjoying a four day weekend. Ms. Wilkes decided to create what she calls a "Forced Holiday". This supposedly means that it is nameless and self invented out of thin air for no particular reason at all. Guess what else it means? It is UNPAID. You got it. Because she decides to gallivant across Nantucket sipping a Perier in a cravat and a dickey, I'm forced to take an entire days pay cut. Luckily, Mr. Tibbs (who also controls payroll) is seeing to making sure there is no decrease in next week’s paycheck.

*Side note: I just calculated that if I were to work at McDonalds seven days a week, with overtime I would be making more than I do here. Food for thought (no pun intended).

On top of everything else, I’ve been recruited to help Ms. Wilkes back to her apartment after work today (remember, she just had surgery) which includes the usual flirtatious encounter with her daughter in which I have to find some sorry excuse to bail out of a twenty minute conversation (last time I used the, "My girlfriend's waiting for me at Thalia for our 6:30 reservation" excuse).

Things managed to flow smoothly today, despite her terrifying me when I walked in the door this morning by saying, "Today's gonna be a busy one." Thank God she's a compulsive liar. I even decided to go against the system and take an hour and fifteen minute lunch during of which I made a trip to John Allan's for some serious relaxation and a vodka soda. Pretty decent way to go into the long weekend if you ask me.

Now is the time where I must bid you farewell for a few days of much needed vacation. I'll be retreating up to Cape Cod for one of my best friends weddings (man does time fly). You may ask yourself how I am affording such an elaborate endeavor. I might add that the only positive that came out of waiting two years to break into the industry is that I was able to save an exorbitant amount of money, some of which I’ve made wise investments with, others I’ve chosen to watch grow in a money market with an excellent APY. If you haven't already, I highly recommend doing so yourself (unless you're perfectly content with eating Ramen and wearing that same A&E T-shirt that you got for your sixteenth birthday over and over again).

Until next time, no matter how bad things may get, always remember that there are starving children in the Sudan, you could be serving 100 years to life, you're hearts still beating and your vision is still acceptable (since you've made it through this Blog thus far). When you step out of the office, make the world your playground and be sure to savor life’s "Forced Holidays".

The Missing Employee, Mail Mysteries and Bank Blunders

...When we left off yesterday, my co-worker and Ms. Wilkes had just been in a catfight, ending in said co-worker (lets call him Mr. Tibbs) storming out of the office in a blaring hissy fit. At 5:00PM yesterday, the phone rings. I answer. It is Mr. Tibbs. In a low voice he mutters, "She must be talking quite a bit about me behind my back," at which point I returned with, "Actually she hasn't said a thing," at which point HE returned with, "It's ok, I don't want to put you in the middle of it, you don't have to tell me." In all honesty, she hadn't said a thing. As if his absence or sudden resignation were meaningless to her. Cold.

Today, when I stepped into the office, he was at his desk. Early. Working on a variety of different projects (or so it appeared). He chirped at me with a quaint little, "Good Morning", and went on about his business. What had she done before I had arrived to calm his nerves? Had they indulged in a twisted and unbearable form of makeup sex? Why the change of heart? I may never know, but one thing is for certain, they're like peas and carrots once more. Gag me.

Moving on.

There are a handful of incidents where a creative assistant may feel as if the company as a whole, no matter how big or small, is hiding something from them (almost like an "Enron" sort of vibe). For me, one of these feelings is the high profile secrecy of the daily mail delivery. It comes wrapped neatly folded and secured VIA rubber band. It looks like typical postal fair yet I am adamantly told by Mr. Tibbs that it shall be given to him directly and him only (never Ms. Wilkes). What can be so top secret that not even the Producer herself can see? Does he have a subscription to one of those kinky fetish magazines or something? The urgency around receiving the mail alone is completely and utterly SKETCH BALL. It makes me want to invest in a steamer so i can unseal and reseal each item without any sign of breakage JUST to see what's in the God damn envelopes (Below is a candid photograph of today’s mail. Note clues. SERVICE UPDATE. SECOND NOTICE.)

Along the same lines, lets talk about another strange (conspiracy theoryesque) thing that happened to me today and occurs ever so often. It starts as a routine run to make a payment at the bank around the corner. I get to the Teller (she's as perky and sweet as can be) and give her the payment slip ($250 dollars) and the company check to cover it. A minute passes. She looks up at me and says, "We apologize, but there are insufficient funds in this account to make this payment," at which point I think to myself, "That. Is. Scary." If a company doesn't have enough to cover a $250 dollars check...then...they're not only incompetent, but they're also potentially A.) Very low on money (which in this economy is frightening to me) or B.) They're once more indulging in schiesty business practices.

Since the two of them have been out all day, I've decided to do a little snooping around the office. I've found that they have over 6 different accounts set up linked with 6 different individual check books...creepy part is, all of them have different variations of the same name (plus of minus a letter, a number or a misspelling). Bizarre. There is some serious dirty going on behind the scenes here. Throw in some of the details of yesterday’s clash of the titans and I've got myself one hell of a conspiracy theory on my hands.

Stepping back now.

When faced with such incriminating evidence, I think that the best policy is to remove yourself. You're a creative assistant not Dick Tracy. Do you job, keep your mouth shut. If you see a plastic bag whose outline oddly resembles a dead body being dragged into the closet beside you, say nothing. If a week goes by and you begin to smell something emanating from underneath the doorframe that can only be that of a decaying corpse. Ask. Nothing. Pick up your can of Lysol. Spray liberally.

Salary (Or Lack Thereof)

"He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money."
-Benjamin Franklin


In this business, although large sums of money may be somewhere on the horizon, as a creative executive you can expect to make next to nothing. That is why I’m telling you this one time and one time only. DO NOT get into this business if you have a grand illusion of being featured on Cribs in the near future. If you don't have a drive, a love and are inspired by movies or television programming then think about changing professions. The money will come (I’m still holding out, but HOPEFULLY down the road...it will come). If you have the misfortune of being a recent graduate with a fancy little degree in "Film" or "Media Arts" (like myself) then this may come as somewhat of a shock to you. If you are standing, sit slowly, take deep breaths, inhale...exhale...breeaaath. If you just bought that new D&G Striped Sateen Sport Shirt...now would be the time to return it.

I believe that the small, trite little paragraph above is something that they should disclose to all liberal arts students before they decide on going down the path to becoming what every college student in this field would like to become...a director. Think about it though. Give it some real hard thought. Why WOULD they tell you? They want YOUR money.

Before I get into disclosing the base salary, I’d like to give you some advice on schooling. There is NO NEED to attend: NYU, USC, SYRACUSE UNIVERSITY, UF, EMERSON or any other school offering courses in Media Studies. Any one of the above will run you over $40,000 a year to attend and in this business they are simply a NAME. In the industry what matters are not your grades or your blinged out diploma or the little student films that you made Sophomore year. What matters is REAL LIFE JOB EXPERIENCE. Go to the CHEAPEST school possible (Preferably a state school). Drink large sums of alcohol. Party. Have sex with multiple partners (safely please). Get it all out of your system. Then, your last semester of senior year, get an internship in either Los Angeles or New York. Make sure that you know which city you would like to end up in because this internship will be your one way ticket out of Palookaville. In 99.9% of cases you can only participate if getting college credit (so take advantage of it while you can) and statistically 70% of all interns move into full paid positions or are recommended to another company for employment. Do it.

So, you have your college degree (or not) and intern experience. It's now time to get a REAL job. So you put your feelers out, wait the average two years for the interview that gets you in the back door and it's now time to finalize the deal. Now comes the SALARY talk...well...it's really less conversational than you would think. You will be glowing from your recent job offer, excited that after two years you have finally done it, feel that sense of raw accomplishment. At that point what does it matter how much you make? You DID it. You're IN. So your hiring manager leans back and gives you the results. $400 a week (::insert shudder here::) no benefits. The end. You begin to panic. How do I live on $400 a week? How will I pay my rent? How will I make the commute? How will I eat (come on kid they don't call them starving artists for nothin')? Simple answer. Start begging your parents to take you back OR invest in a cardboard box and a .42 caliber.

On average I take home $625 dollars every TWO weeks. Just as a refresher, that's what $800 looks like with all the taxes melted off (think George Forman Grill, but like...in this situation leaner isn't better). That equals $1,250 dollars a month. A MONTH.

Lets do some basic mathematics:

$1,250
-$230 (Monthly train pass)
-$500 (Food)
-$100 (Car Insurance)
-$250 (Health insurance, HIGHLY RECOMMENDED)
-$100 (Gas)
__________________
=$70

What you are left with is $70 dollars a month. If you have an automotive repair to do, a doctors or hospital visit deductable or get into a pinch, you, my dear, are screwed. So in all honesty, make good with your folks, swallow your pride and move back in with them until you can get on your feet. I'm a member of the Failure to Launch club. It isn't all that bad and you really don't have much of a choice.

Yes. It's a crime that you're a smart person, have a college degree, a large knowledge of cinema (which is very rare in this business), a sparkling personality and you are making less than a full time employee at McDonalds. The important thing is, do what you love. The money will follow. If you REALLY want something, you will stop at nothing to get it. Keep telling yourself that you are cut out to become the person you wish to become and if can't do that much...at least lie.

Shit Storms

Definition: Shit Storm -- 1.) When all the shit hits you at once. A whole bunch of criticism, or problems all at once. When in the shit storm you are being shit hammered. 2.) A euphemism qualifying a noun with a greater sense of intensity rather than as plainly stated.

ex. "Man my wife left me, a cop pulled me over and gave me a ticket for no insurance, and no registration, and when I came home my house had been broken into, and burned to the ground, it was a real shit storm."

**********

It began as a typical Monday morning. My 8:57 train was the usual six minutes late. My four seater in the head car was occupied by Brit the chatty twenty something entrepreneur from Upstate who brings home more in a day’s pay than I do in a years. I dodged at least one taxi on my trip between Madison and Times Square. Both elevators were stuck on 8 for three minutes and there was no continental breakfast awaiting me when I arrived into the office. The only difference would have to be that I was accompanied by Ms. Wilkes the entire time. Almost like a field trip from her apartment to her desk. Turns out that she needed some minor assistant with some not so heavy lifting (when the hell did this get into my job description).

About an hour of peace and quiet ensued until...it happened. Ms. Wilkes burst into my co-workers office. What started as a calm, reserved and almost meditational conversation, erupted into an all out "shit storm". The door was closed, then a scuffle, then some banging, then came the yelling (at times this sounded like gurgling, which made me wonder if someone was being strangled VIA computer cord). I. Was. In heaven, and if available would have definitely ordered this kind of action on one of the Pay-Per View channels. If only the door had been open.

From what I gathered, the argument revolved around money (the details so extreme and particular that if I were to disclose it would most certainly reveal to you my identity). Lets just say that I feared for his life (and this guy is 6'5). The door FLUNG back open. No one sported any odd bruises or bloodied/missing appendages. What exactly HAD happened?!?

Whatever it was, my harmless co-worker stormed out the door to the office at 10:45AM and still has not returned. It is 2:05. Could this have knocked the staff down to two? Could it just be Ms. Wilkes and I from here on out? Could I be promoted to a 200k annual salary as by gift from God?

...Stay tuned tomorrow as details emerge on this weeks installment of "Swimming with Sharks".

A Trade a Day Keeps the Boredom Away

I can't stress this enough. READ YOUR TRADES. So you don't know what a "Trade" is? There are two publications that every industry professional needs to read. They are Variety and The Hollywood Reporter. Each tell you EVERYTHING that is going on both the east and west coasts of the film business. If anything, Variety is a MUST. As a creative assistant, in most cases a copy will roll by your desk FIRST before it even gets into the hands of your producer. You will have approximately 30 minutes to read through the articles before he/she asks for it. Luckily, due to recent advancements in modern technology, you can now also browse through a Digital Copy online if you are privy to a username and password for the account.

SKIP NOTHING. Every bit of information is important. Of course I have favorite sections including "Movie Reviews" and "Upcoming Productions", but if you use your head you'll realize that even news of promotions of executives within the industry are vital. One of these individuals could be your future boss...or someone to parachute into their backyard and beg for a job from.

There are moments of downtime where you will be thankful to the publishers for removing you from your stint of boredom and educating you on when the next Indiana Jones film is going into post production. I intend to flip through my copy as soon as I finish up with this Blog.

Ms. Wilkes is out again today, just got word that she has been discharged and is heading home for the weekend. I'm hoping that I'll be discharged shortly as well. Whatever and wherever you may be this weekend, enjoy life. Do something that scares you. Do something that excites you. I know I'll be doing just that. God knows this week I’ve earned it.

A copy of todays "Daily Variety"

Gotham (New York City) Edition

Downtime

Once in awhile there as bound to be special occasions (today happens to be one of them) when a creative assistant is lucky enough to have their Producer absent from the office for the duration of a workday (or multiple workdays). It just so happens that mine is in for Surgery. That's right. Admitted this morning, held over until Saturday for observation. There are other instances where he/she may be attending a reading, out of town on business/pleasure, or (and we can only pray) sick. Like everything else, it is what you "chose" to do with the few hours of weekday freedom that matters most. If you happen to work in a production office that is limited to a small staff and you are asked to hold down the fort solo, this may just allow for a lot of freedom...maybe too much. Here are some do's and don'ts.

What NOT to do:

1.) Invite guests over for a party and pretend that you own the place. (This coincides with using your bosses room as your own to entertain company)

2.) Bring in a musical instrument and jam out (word will get around from neighboring offices)

3.) Watch adult content or other "NSFW" material on your computer.

4.) Not show up.

5.) Show up late.

6.) Leave early.

7.) Establish it as a national "Bring Your Pet to Work" day.

8.) Establish it as a national "Bring Your Girlfriend to Work" day.

9.) Establish it as a national "Bring a Hooker to Work" day.

10.) Walk around the office naked "Just to see how it feels".

What TO do:

1.) Spend a ridiculous amount of time surfing Youtube.

2.) Take advantage of the "Instant View" feature on your Netflix account.

3.) Catch up on contacting old friends VIA Facebook, email or phone.

4.) Plan out your weekend activities.

5.) Blog, work on a current screenplay/novel/website etc.

6.) Finish all of your back filing.

7.) Take time to order more office supplies, water coolers etc.

8.) Take an hour long nap on your Producers comfy leather couch

9.) Listen to music at a volume in which you can actually "hear" it.

10.) Browse Craigslist, Mandy.com and others for new employment.

Really enjoy these days when you get them. They are a dime a dozen. If you chose not to take advantage of them, when you're being barked orders one of these days you'll be wishing that you did.

Watching the Cary Grant Classic People Will Talk using
the Netflix "Instant View" Feature

When in Doubt...Lie.

Straight off the bat, I'd just like to say that I'm completely against lying. I've never cheated on an exam (with the exception of this one 2nd grade Math test, but it was only because I was fortunate enough to be sitting beside Katherine Saviskas who happened to be the smartest girl in class). I've never told someone I was doing one thing when I was doing another (with the exception of that time I told my parents I was at my friend Ryan's watching a movie when I was really at an unsupervised party...WITH alcohol...I was such a rebel). I've never pretended to be sick (with the exception of that time I hadn't done my fourth period social studies homework and couldn't face the music).

I'm really practically perfect. An honest soul. My Halo is designer...really it is...but when it comes to being a creative assistant, lying is an unspoken part of the job description. In these cases (and in these cases only) lying in socially acceptable and encouraged for your own well being.

Here are the top ten list of instances when i've decided that lying is the best policy. You'll see that in actuality these are more like white lies:

1.) Q: Did you print that email out for me? A: Of course.

2.) Q: Have you called____? Did you leave a message? A: Done and Done.

3.) (During calendar review) Q: Dinner with the ____on July 7th? Yes? A: Yes. Written here.

4.) Q: You mailed out that package to____before you left last night right? A: Yep.

5.) Q: What is that tracking # for that letter we mailed to___? A: 10493884769

6.) Q: ___is___'s brother right? Or nephew? A: Nephew.

7.) Q: I have an 8pm reservation at Dorsia right? A: They had a kitchen fire last night, have a second choice?

8.) Q: ___said he didn't get your email response and attachment? A: Weird. I don't know what happened, I sent it out yesterday.

9.) Q: You're ten minutes late! You're never late, what happened? A: Terrorist activity on my train this morning. It was insane.

10.) Q: Could you stay an extra hour or so? A: I would love to.

So it is in the opinion of this Blogger that often times the only way out of a sticky situation is through false truths. Take advantage of them, because on this end of the Totem pole, they may be the most liberating part of your day.

The Label Maker

About three weeks ago (maybe it was three months, but whose really counting) Ms. Wilkes found me writing out a mailing address straight onto an envelope. Evidently neat penmanship is "out" and typed labels are "in". Today, it happened again. I was asked why I was not printing a label from the computer, at which point I rebutted with the fact that the computer dedicated for making the labels had come down with a cold (which it had) and no longer operated properly. I believe the real issue here is that my handwriting can be best compared to a third grader with MS. It's horrible.

You may be asking yourself why don’t I just A.) Fix the computer or B.) Use the one that I’m currently blogging on for my label printing needs. At first glance, the answer to the problem may appear simple, but let’s look deeper into why (3 months after the fact) I still continue to be yelled at for kicking it old school.

In production offices (as well as many other standard offices around the country) we use a Xerox Workcentre (you're guess is as good as mine as to why they try to make it sound all sophisticated, like some faux French printing press. I also hate when they do this with the word "Shoppe") Pro 232. It is an all in one fax, copier, scanner and printer. Unfortunately, due to the complexities of its inner workings (trust me, this thing jams more often than a Billy Joel cover band on Mountain Dew) it refuses to accept a sheet of labels through its fragile gears. That right there rules it out as a potential remedy to the problem.

Now then you ask, why doesn't this guy just go online and find an external label maker that doesn't rely on a computer to carry out the printing process? One answer. Would you pay two hundred dollars for a plastic 4X6 desktop machine that holds ten labels at a time? Yes, that's right. The only other remedy for printing your own labels relies on a small PLASTIC box that costs more than a new Blu-ray DVD player or a roundtrip flight to Los Angeles. There is nothing justifiable about it.

So now comes the dilemma. Do I A.) Bite the bullet and charge the damn thing onto the company card or B.) Continue to hide the fact that I am hand writing addresses (possibly doing it in the bathroom so she doesn't see). Tough, tough decision...this may be harder than the time I spent this morning grappling with whether or not to refill the water cooler or let it sit empty until tomorrow. You know what. This isn't MY Amex. It seems to really be eeking her to no end. Ordered. Charged. Expedited shipping. Gift wrap...yes.

Birthdays

When you pass your 21st birthday, those to follow all seem to turn into one of those "another year older, another year wiser" type of scenarios. What used to be a day of pin the tail on the donkey, a pizza party/trip to the batting cages with a group of your buddies and a reasonable cake to candles ratio is now replaced by vodka soda dates with some of your closest friends. It's just as well as far as I'm concerned and in some ways things feel more meaningful (partly due to the fact that now those around you volunteer as opposed to receiving one of those obligatory invitations in the mail). In case you were wondering, yes, I am working on my birthday (one of the harshest truths of the "real world").

Two weeks ago, in a discussion regarding calendar appointments, it casually emerged to Ms. Wilkes that on the 24th I would be celebrating my 25th birthday (I was able to quickly sneak it in after a brief mention of a 2pm doctor's appointment on the same day). Then. Something out of left field. Ms. Wilkes suddenly began talking about her favorite subject. Herself.

"When I was twenty five...when I was twenty five...where was I when I was twenty five...ah yes! I was manager of my first Broadway theater production! Ahhh, it was rare for a female in those times to hold such a position. Make a reservation for two at Shun Lee, tonight, 7pm."

If I didn't know my place and this were any other individual, my mouth would have be agap at that very moment, but since I value my job, my pride and my testicles, I diligently made the reservation and left it at that.

FLASH FORWARD

INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT

As I lay in bed (birthday eve) indulging in a phone conversation with my girlfriend, we began nonchalantly tossing around ideas of what Ms. Wilkes would say or do when I walked into the office the next day. The following is our (very) shortlist of possibilities:

1.) She would give me a raise (I'm pretty sure this was meant to be comical)
2.) I would be wished a happy birthday and given a pat on the back.
3.) There would be a cake and/or cupcakes (preferably the later).
4.) I'd be presented with a gift of some sort in customary birthday fashion.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE -- PRESENT DAY

I gripped my key, inserting it into the lock of the front door, anticipating streamers, confetti and a tray full of Crumbs cupcakes and/or a Strawberry Shortcake from Magnolia Bakery.

THE DOOR OPENED.

Silence. Then the sound of Ms. Wilkes sending a job to the printer. The printer printing the job. The printer finishing the job. Then more silence.

I found it odd that I wasn't even greeted with the typical "good morning" or "howdy". Even a "hey" would have sufficed. But. Abso-lutely. Nothing. I sat. Waited. Did a little "clearing of the throat" action. Still. Nothing.

I have now been here for almost three hours. We have engaged in conversation numerous times and it is apparent to me that she has indeed...forgotten. Now I'm not one of those sensitive "don't kill the whales, plant a tree" type of guys. I eat meat and potatoes just like the rest of us. I can take orders on a daily basis, I can withstand tirades of verbal abuse, but one thing that just hits me with a low blow is a woman who I have worked beside for over eight months not remembering a birthday that I had recently told her about.

Two. Words.

That is all that needed to come out of her mouth.

Unfortunately, this is simply a personal matter. On the business front the check came in last week (3 days late albeit), I haven't had any instances of severe physical abuse just yet, and I've never been denied an hour lunch. So what does one make of all this? I can only surmise that this woman who I spend my weekdays is soulless. To fellow creative assistants everywhere, "why do we continue to go through our days like this?" It may only be a farfetched wish that one day soon we will all stand up, join together and give our respective producers a big old, "Fuck You". Yes. That would indeed be the greatest birthday gift of all.

The "What" Contract?

For a single project there can be up to 200 different contracts. Everything ranging from "Authors Agreements" to "Collection Agency Agreements" to "Production Services Agreements"...which really makes me wonder why my "Assistant Liability Insurance Contract" fell by the wayside. I digress. One would think that after thirty years in the business, Ms. Wilkes would have the names of her contracts down pat.

One. Would. Think.

Here is a brief list of contracts comparing the proper name of the contract to the "Wilkes" name for the contract when I'm asked to retrieve it.

*Note: This was the exact list and order shouted to me from her office this morning. These Wilkesisms are subject to change on a daily basis.

Proper
Actors Deal Memo
Option Agreement
Production Services Agreement
Loan Agreement
Interparty Agreement

Wilkesism
The Artist Engagement Thingie
The Company Payment Papers
The Exhibit "A" 20 Pager
The Money Borrow Papers
The Producers Humdinger

Sometimes I feel (and this could just be the complimentary sugar free red bull that I was given yesterday on the street talking) that she gets some sort of twisted enjoyment out of seeing me dig through binders and binders of materials as if only to metastasize into something erotic for her. So I scan through mountains of paperwork for key words such as "Engagement" or "Exhibit A". Do you know how many contracts have an Exhibit A? The important ones. Of course, my first "guess" turned out to be wrong. God, I had to have put in at least twenty minutes for that guess. Luckily, today I got away with a, "That's the wrong damn thing." Happy to report that my second guess did the trick.

*It is important that a creative assistant understand that no matter how much they may think that someday they will reach a point of shared Nirvana with their producer, it will never, ever...ever happen. Roll with the punches and keep your ideas about a raise to your goddamn self. Salary will be the topic of conversation on Monday. As for this exhausted blogger, he intends to enjoy the next two days of freedom before returning the stockades.

Introducing Ms. Wilkes

In 1990 Rob Reiner introduced the character of Annie Wilkes (if we really want to be fair to all involved we should give sole credit for conceptualizing Annie to the great Stephen King) to movie going audiences. Her crazed, psychotic, schizophrenic personality stands out as one of the most horrific portrayals of a female villain to date. I think my favorite scene (as well as the one that gave me most nightmares as a kid) is when Annie has Paul Sheldon (James Caan's character) tied to the bed, places a wooden board between his legs and proceeds to fracture both feet with a sledgehammer. It is for this reason (and in complete sentimentality) that for the entirety of this blog I will refer to MY producer as, Ms. Wilkes.

When I agreed to take on the job as Ms. Wilkes' assistant, I wasn't told much about the way she did business. In fact, her veteran assistant and the fellow twenty something that trained me for the position spoke of her sparingly. Sure, it should have sent up a bit of a red flag to me when I saw him walk into her office and get reprimanded for not centering the level of the blinds properly to the window frame, but at the time I thought nothing of it. I was simply glad to have the "foot in the door" that I had been waiting over two years for.

"Old School" doesn't even begin to adequately describe Ms. Wilkes’ demanding, assertive, hardnosed, anal, la di da personality. In fact, the proper word for this would be (mind you this is my official trademark, so no plagiarizing), Gastapoesque. This is due to the fact that if Hitler were to have chosen a career path in the movie business, he would win the award for "most listed" on Ms. Wilke's drinks calendar. You'll get to know Ms. Wilkes here. You may come to despise her. You may come to (if you're the submissive type) develop one of those bizarre attractions for her because of her authoritative, controlling way of getting things done. Whatever light you happen to view her in remember, I’m the one that has to live with her. So please. Show a little compassion and understanding...I'm serious.

If Ms. Wilkes were to have a Facebook profile, it would read a bit like this:

Relationship Status: Married to Gordon Gecko
Political Views: La Cienega
Religious Views: Mount Durmitor
Activities: Being a Producer! What else?
Interests: Hiking, camping, anything outdoors, traveling, vacationing, sailing, socializing.
Favorite Music: Anything classical (although I do have a Gnarls Barkley ringtone).
Favorite Movies: Mine...oh, and that one starring Angelica Houston where she plays a neglectful mother.
Favorite Books: As long as it's on my Kindle, it's fine by me.
Favorite Quotations: "Life is like a game of poker: If you don't put any in the pot, there won't be any to take out."

Ms. Wilke's has five distinctive levels of anger (told you I’d get to this eventually).

Level 1: Quiet scuffing, talking under the breath, silent angered gazes. These are mainly caused by minor offenses, self inflicted mistakes and PMS.

Level 2: Direct insults in a calm demeanor (I.E. "That was a gregarious error, what the fuck were you thinking?")

Level 3: Raising of the voice in a hostile manner. This is often also partnered with an insult such as, "You have no fucking brain!"

Level 4: Most commonly caused by making a "severe" to "unforgivable" error. A yell so loud, neighboring offices may place a 911 call. Known to paralyze victims.

Level 5: Kicking, hitting or biting walls, furniture or other inanimate objects (one of which you are considered). Screaming at ultra high decibel levels. This may be cause for job removal and or restraining order.

Now that the two of you have been properly introduced, I must get back to compiling a spreadsheet of invites for a future play reading in addition to updating a list of potential project investors. Luckily, Ms. Wilkes has a 2PM doctor’s appointment as well as a 4PM conference to attend.

Something notable: When in doubt...file.

Keys to Your Survival At Sea

You may not want to consider this job (or in some instances reading this Blog) if you experience or take part in the following:

• Heart Trouble or High Blood Pressure
• Heart Burn
• Have had Recent Surgery
• Are Pregnant or Nursing
• Neck Trouble
• Back Trouble
• Arthritis
• Vertigo
• 20/40 Vision
• A Past Vulnerability to School Bullies
• Anxiety Disorder
• Bi-Polar Disorder
• Anger Issues
• Night Sweats
• Sensitivity
• Smiling (Laughing also falls into this category)
• An Inability to Multitask
• Self Respect
• Self Worth
• Self Indulgance
• Debt (this will most likely come later)
• A Glorified Perception of Hollywood

Now that we've separated the men from the boys, let us continue....

There is a certain knowledge that one must possess which include a variety of items that one must also take advantage of if he/she is to "make it" through their first hour of work as a Creative Assistant. Below is a brief Survival Guide of a few basics to ensure that you won't be fired, whipped, slapped or found hanging VIA a noose tied to your doorframe with the chair kicked out from underneath.

Post it Notes: They are your best friends. They come in a variety of colors. Use them. Buy up stock in them. Always have them within reach. When your producer needs A.) A number B.) An email address C.) A mailing address or D.) To be alerted of the name of an individual whom calls in if he/she happens to be on the other line (Usually Obnoxious Orange or Razmataz Red work best when caught in such a situation. When approaching, hold out front above the waist and agitate your hand a bit to obtain their desired attention). Recycle after use (there will be plenty chances to ruin the environment in direct correlation with this position at a later time).

A Calendar: The correct calendar has columns that are separated into time slots ranging from 7am-9pm Monday-Sunday. If your producer decides that they need you to remember their affairs outside of the allowed time window then force yourself to store it to memory or you've got a pen and a hand, use it.

The Tickle File: This is a file folder with seperate pockets for each day of every month. It is used to store papers and any other important materials for a reminder at a later date. Your producer will most likely label the item that they need stored by marking a date in the upper right hand corner (I.E. 9/12, 10/1...12/25) so you may then pull it to refresh he/she's memory on the requested date. Producers have no memory. This is why you must either be blessed with two or invest in a second.

A Second Memory: As previously stated, you will be required to retain more information than it may be possible to absorb in one sitting. Too fucking bad. Deal with it. Might I suggest the following process to reduce the amount of verbal abuse that you are bound to take on a daily basis. Invest in a notebook (I actually prefer white paper hole punched into a three ring binder) and a Highlighter. Most of your daily informational intake is during the morning sit down with your producer. Try using abbreviations when possible during the taking of an assignment. Write legibly and if you don't understand something then ASK. You will most likely be yelled as for doing so, but it will only be what I call a "Level 1" attack (something we'll get into in later posts). Highlight the items that have been completed along the way. If you are given a list of calls to place and are forced to leave a message place an *Asterisk next to the name and continue on.

Patience: You will be experiencing high levels of stress, confusion, disorientation, fear, anxiety, humiliation, exploitation and degradation. It is how you deal with it that matters. I use the old "Grain of Salt" technique (In fifth grade we called this, "I am rubber, you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you"). It is a motto that I highly encourage you to adopt and it will get you through the times when you think that you are a worthless, subhuman life form.

A Strong Anti-Perspirant/Deodorant: I recommend "Old Spice Red Zone" for Men. Ladies, you're pretty much on your own here (although I did have an Ex who I would get in some pretty heated fights with that used "Secret" Invisible Solid and she still smelt great long after the argument).

Creativity: The position is called "Creative Assistant". If you only know how to file, type memos, make copies, write letters, perform mass mailings etc. then you've only won half the battle and should probably consult the "Administrative Assistant" Blog for further information. You will be required to perform script coverage (a creative analysis of a script for potential production), sit in on development meetings (where you will be required to give your creative input on current projects), make decisions of promotional materials, dissect and pick up on trends within marketing reports and have a vast knowledge of films, what makes a good one, how they work and what goes into making one. Having some knowledge of theater and television is also a plus. In short, if your favorite movie is "Baby Mama" or using your imagination during an episode of "Barney" was a disinterest to you, then don't waste your time.

The above are the rudimentary. If nothing else, remember them. Never take them for granted. Throughout the entries to follow you will learn of my hardships and struggles on a day to day basis. Like a masked Magician revealing his most top secret of illusions, never before has there been a Creative Assistant who has spoken out about their real time experiences...until now. Not only am I risking both my job and reputation in the industry, but also...my life.

If Dreams Are Employees, Mine Should Be Fired.

Disclaimer: For the purposes of this blog all names and likenesses of real life individuals or companies will be replaced by last names of various well known film characters and fictitiously ludicrous corporations.


It spawns from the tiniest, most insignificant little spark. A feeling that starts in your toes and slowly works its way up until it begins to slowly and meticulously hypnotize your senses into conforming to its well calculated plans. I'm talking about dreams. Not in that, "I just had this terrible dream I came to work in my pair of lobster print boxers," kind of dream. I'm talking about that moment when you know, without a fraction of a doubt, that this is what you want to do with your life. THIS is your following. I'm more than aware that many of you have never experienced this "spark" and for those of you who have, unless by chance you happen to "do" what I "do", we most likely have absolutely nothing to relate to.

I first got the shitty idea of wanting to make it big in the film industry after watching Steven Spielberg’s "Close Encounters of the Third Kind". On the whole, it basically made me feel like I had just consumed a warm piece of the world’s most delicious chocolate lava cake a la mode with two scoops of cookie dough ice cream (the only thing on earth that I could possibly be bribed with). I wanted to share the experience of watching such films with others in order for them to, in some way, FEEL what I felt. It was my civic duty. I soon reached a point where to share what I deemed as quality cinema with those friends and family that surrounded me just wasn't enough. I decided that there didn't simply need to be movies like these, but they needed to be MY movies. THE SPARK.

I dabbled in television production during high school, all along, that "feeling" gradually working itself throughout my body. From there, college, where I was determined to devote myself to the art of moviemaking and learn everything possible about what it takes to deliver to audiences what I call a "Spielbergasm". 4 years and $180,000 dollars later (that's in multiplying 22,500 dollars per semester by 8) I now had a Bachelors degree...in Film. Little did I know this five by ten piece of paper would be most comparable to the trite paragraphs of a death sentence (we're talking Texas here, not Maine).

The best word to describe the job search process of a newly graduated film student is "Nightmare" (Wait, I was pretty sure this was my dream...right?). Let me first list the rules that one must take into effect BEFORE applying for a job in the entertainment industry. They are as follows:

-No Phone Calls.
-No Faxes
-No Unsolicited materials (I.E Scripts, resume's, cover letters, pets)
-No Messages
-No Fruit Baskets
-No Telegrams
-No Strip-O-Grams
-No Grams of any Kind (Not limited to the Teddy or cracker varietal)
-No Emails.
-Minimum experience required: 2+ years in the field of television, film or commercial production.
-Maximum experience allowed for entry level assistant position 1+ years in television, film or commercial production.
-Entry level Salary between 15-22k annually.
-No interns will be accepted without receiving college credit.
-Please let us reiterate. NO PHONE CALLS.

Approximately 3,541 individuals will be applying for this particular job by means of a small, preset box on a website such as Mandy.com or a link which leads to a five hour registration process with a company such as Warner Brothers, NBC or ABC, which may then lead to a button in which you may then submit a resume and cover letter which you have hopefully been able to upload or (at the very least) type in manually.

What happens then (and I can only hypothesize) is that the resume is filtered into either a human resource directors personal email account OR the Gmail of the individual whom is looking for their replacement. In rare instances, the producer or second in command will be the one to be involved with the hiring process. Nevertheless, whomever IS in charge will quickly whittle (whether he or she simply highlights 75% of the inbox and presses delete will never be known) the candidates down to somewhere between 7 and 20 individuals.

Now before I get to my experience of actually winning the media job lottery, I must explain to you my track record. Along with the degree, a film academy diploma, intern experience as well as unprecedented production experience for someone my age, out of approximately 7,100 jobs that I sent in applications to, I received 4 interviews, two of which politely declined and one of which brought me back for three separate interviews after which time they sent me an email politely (yet cowardly) declining me. In my case, the fourth was the charm-

*Addendum: I need to make something perfectly clear to you. This all occurred over a three year span of time during which I was forced to work in a department store at ten dollars an hour to support myself while actively pursuing job leads. I am going to say this, and I am going to say this only once. If I did NOT live at home in a rentless environment as well as have an INTENSE desire to attain this "dream", I would be either A.) On the street selling crack cocaine to fund my first Indy feature, or B.) Adopting the life of a vacuum cleaner salesman (I shit you not; I applied in a moment of silent desperation and was offered the job).

-I pushed that magic little "submit" button, closed my eyes and prayed. Two hours later I received "the call"...

"Hello? This is Mr. Butler from Independently Righteous Productions. We've seen your resume and would like to get you in for an interview." It took me under a second to come up with a date and time. I knew the drill at this point. My expectations were low. Two days later I sat in front of Mr. Butler, confident, poised and dapper in the new $900 dollar suite that I had gotten on employee discount for $200 at my previous position, but he didn't know that. It was a fairly casual conversation that lasted about twenty minutes. In that period of time, he had no problem revealing that he had (through some miracle of God) narrowed the race down to 3 candidates from 3,000. I was one of them. God I'm good. I left feeling "not great" and "not bad" about the experience...in Spanish this is what they call "asi, asi".

Two days later I received a call that they were still deciding my fate, but had narrowed it down to me and one other candidate. If only I had his address so I knew where to hide the arsenic. I had come so close. Days passed by, the answer, then, finally...it happened..."This is Mr. Butler, we'd like to offer you the position here at Independently Righteous as our Creative Assistant." Fireworks were exploding, bells were ringing, angels were singing Donna E Mobile. I'd done it. I was one step closer to the "dream". One step closer to inflicting Spielbergasms on all of mankind. I was one step closer...to Hell.

If you've ever imagined yourself working in the film business, become aroused by the idea of mingling with celebrities on a week to week basis, wanted to know what your first job in the industry would be like or actually happen to have the misfortune of working as a "creative assistant" and just need to read on for comfort in the fact that "You are not alone", then I invite you to join me, as I "Swim with Sharks", fighting for my career, my life and my dignity.