- Heart Trouble or High Blood Pressure
- Heart Burn
- Have had Recent Surgery
- Are Pregnant or Nursing
- Neck Trouble
- Back Trouble
- Arthritis
- Vertigo
- 20/40 Vision
- A Past Vulnerability to School Bullies
- Anxiety Disorder
- Bi-Polar Disorder
- Anger Issues
- Night Sweats
- Sensitivity
- Smiling (Laughing also falls into this category)
- An Inability to Multitask
- Self Respect
- Self Worth
- Self Indulgance
- Debt (this will most likely come later)
- A Glorified Perception of Hollywood
Now that we've separated the men from the boys, let us continue....
There is a certain knowledge that one must possess which include a variety of items that one must also take advantage of if he/she is to "make it" through their first hour of work as a Creative Assistant. Below is a brief Survival Guide of a few basics to ensure that you won't be fired, whipped, slapped or found hanging VIA a noose tied to your doorframe with the chair kicked out from underneath.
Post it Notes: They are your best friends. They come in a variety of colors. Use them. Buy up stock in them. Always have them within reach. When your producer needs A.) A number B.) An email address C.) A mailing address or D.) To be alerted of the name of an individual whom calls in if he/she happens to be on the other line (Usually Obnoxious Orange or Razmataz Red work best when caught in such a situation. When approaching, hold out front above the waist and agitate your hand a bit to obtain their desired attention). Recycle after use (there will be plenty chances to ruin the environment in direct correlation with this position at a later time).
A Calendar: The correct calendar has columns that are separated into time slots ranging from 7am-9pm Monday-Sunday. If your producer decides that they need you to remember their affairs outside of the allowed time window then force yourself to store it to memory or you've got a pen and a hand, use it.
The Tickle File: This is a file folder with seperate pockets for each day of every month. It is used to store papers and any other important materials for a reminder at a later date. Your producer will most likely label the item that they need stored by marking a date in the upper right hand corner (I.E. 9/12, 10/1...12/25) so you may then pull it to refresh he/she's memory on the requested date. Producers have no memory. This is why you must either be blessed with two or invest in a second.
A Second Memory: As previously stated, you will be required to retain more information than it may be possible to absorb in one sitting. Too fucking bad. Deal with it. Might I suggest the following process to reduce the amount of verbal abuse that you are bound to take on a daily basis. Invest in a notebook (I actually prefer white paper hole punched into a three ring binder) and a Highlighter. Most of your daily informational intake is during the morning sit down with your producer. Try using abbreviations when possible during the taking of an assignment. Write legibly and if you don't understand something then ASK. You will most likely be yelled as for doing so, but it will only be what I call a "Level 1" attack (something we'll get into in later posts). Highlight the items that have been completed along the way. If you are given a list of calls to place and are forced to leave a message place an *Asterisk next to the name and continue on.
Patience: You will be experiencing high levels of stress, confusion, disorientation, fear, anxiety, humiliation, exploitation and degradation. It is how you deal with it that matters. I use the old "Grain of Salt" technique (In fifth grade we called this, "I am rubber, you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you"). It is a motto that I highly encourage you to adopt and it will get you through the times when you think that you are a worthless, subhuman life form.
A Strong Anti-Perspirant/Deodorant: I recommend "Old Spice Red Zone" for Men. Ladies, you're pretty much on your own here (although I did have an Ex who I would get in some pretty heated fights with that used "Secret" Invisible Solid and she still smelt great long after the argument).
Creativity: The position is called "Creative Assistant". If you only know how to file, type memos, make copies, write letters, perform mass mailings etc. then you've only won half the battle and should probably consult the "Administrative Assistant" Blog for further information. You will be required to perform script coverage (a creative analysis of a script for potential production), sit in on development meetings (where you will be required to give your creative input on current projects), make decisions of promotional materials, dissect and pick up on trends within marketing reports and have a vast knowledge of films, what makes a good one, how they work and what goes into making one. Having some knowledge of theater and television is also a plus. In short, if your favorite movie is "Baby Mama" or using your imagination during an episode of "Barney" was a disinterest to you, then don't waste your time.
The above are the rudimentary. If nothing else, remember them. Never take them for granted. Throughout the entries to follow you will learn of my hardships and struggles on a day to day basis. Like a masked Magician revealing his most top secret of illusions, never before has there been a Creative Assistant who has spoken out about their real time experiences...until now. Not only am I risking both my job and reputation in the industry, but also...my life.
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